Thursday, May 5, 2011


We all have our buttons. Emotional buttons. The ones that take just the right thing to push them. Mine was pushed. I just opened Violet's last can of formula.

I have always been very prideful about how I don't get emotional over mom things. I feel like it is a weakness, at least for me. Babies grow, children get bigger and it's wonderful to watch the process. With my boys, I went through their developmental stages happily. Crawling, picking up food with their two little chubby fingers, telling me what a lion says, trying to stumble their way through the ABC's and getting sidetracked with "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". All of it has been a joy and very satisfying. My sister Megan recently asked me why I do this whole children/mom thing and I said, "It is so satisfying. Nothing makes me and my husband happier than watching them develop and grow."

With Violet, it seems like her little milestones have been even more of a joy. Ethan and I have been savoring everything with so much more sap than with the other two. Violet is our last child and we are enjoying every morsel.

This morning, I pulled down a new can of Kirkland baby formula. I stabbed the top with a knife and as the contained air exhaled, it hit me hard. This was my last can of formula. No more scooping into warm water. No more portioning formula into a container for use during errands. Crap. This is it. No more babies.

I don't know how to feel. Do I have a good cry about it? Do I suck it up and get over it? What am I supposed to do? I am bummed, really bummed. I never realized what it really means when I say, "I am done having children." Is my life going to be a continuous bummer of moving through stages? I hate this.


  1. Life is nothing but rooms, and you just move from one to the next. You seldom stay in one for long. I'm moving through a few of my own right now. In my past transitions I've stopped at doorways and cried for a bit before crossing the threshold. But I've found the next room always has a few advantages over the last.

  2. Personally I'd have a good cry, it's therapeutic. When my kids pass big milestones I get a little sad. A. because I love my littles and the thought of them growing up and making adult decisions and choices gives me great anxiety, and B. because it's a reminder of my own mortality and the realization that I won't be young and beautiful (YES) forever. Vain and selfish? Maybe. But I'll cry about it if I want to. I just might delay having my last baby until I'm like 40 for this very reason. Because as long as I'm of childbearing age DAMMIT I'M STILL YOUNG!

    But then I think of being pregnant at 40 and that thought quickly fades...

  3. I feel ya. I am doing my last pregnancy now and I am trying to "savor" all the moments. Even the uncomfortable ones. Its hard knowing that this is it and it will all soon be over. But moving forward has its benefits. Just think, in a couple more years no more poopy diapers. In 20 or so more years come marriages and grandchildren. It'll all go by faster than we can imagine (I mean, come on, our oldests are 6 now! Didn't we just have them?). Cry it out (I sure do, Cadence just lost her first tooth today!) and then live in the present. That is all you can do :) HUGS!

  4. dude. let yourself feel sad for a minute. dumping formula into warm water represents something that has been important to you, that is coming to an end. it can really suck to close doors on things that you've totally lived and loved.
    just don't dwell on it.
    i have a 7 1/2 year old, i cried the other night because i've got to start really preparing her for baptism. i didn't cry because she is getting older, i cried because she's getting older so much faster than i want her to. but alas, i have no control over time, so i can't dwell on it.
    and, i'm one of those women that gets emotional over mom things. maybe because i want more babies and can't have them right now. maybe because being a mom is the most important thing in the freaking world to me. who knows. but, there isn't anything wrong with us emotional types.
    don't be scared.