We all have our buttons. Emotional buttons. The ones that take just the right thing to push them. Mine was pushed. I just opened Violet's last can of formula.
I have always been very prideful about how I don't get emotional over mom things. I feel like it is a weakness, at least for me. Babies grow, children get bigger and it's wonderful to watch the process. With my boys, I went through their developmental stages happily. Crawling, picking up food with their two little chubby fingers, telling me what a lion says, trying to stumble their way through the ABC's and getting sidetracked with "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". All of it has been a joy and very satisfying. My sister Megan recently asked me why I do this whole children/mom thing and I said, "It is so satisfying. Nothing makes me and my husband happier than watching them develop and grow."
With Violet, it seems like her little milestones have been even more of a joy. Ethan and I have been savoring everything with so much more sap than with the other two. Violet is our last child and we are enjoying every morsel.
This morning, I pulled down a new can of Kirkland baby formula. I stabbed the top with a knife and as the contained air exhaled, it hit me hard. This was my last can of formula. No more scooping into warm water. No more portioning formula into a container for use during errands. Crap. This is it. No more babies.
I don't know how to feel. Do I have a good cry about it? Do I suck it up and get over it? What am I supposed to do? I am bummed, really bummed. I never realized what it really means when I say, "I am done having children." Is my life going to be a continuous bummer of moving through stages? I hate this.