Thursday, May 2, 2013

BLOG ALL OF MAY: Something I am good at


The prompt for today is to blog about something I am good at and how to do it. So, to you I present:

HOW TO TALK ABOUT YOURSELF TOO MUCH

I do this when I get nervous in social situations. And I usually talk about the stupid things about myself. Like what face wash I use or why I never breastfed my kids. Stuff that no one cares about. Here is a step by step guide how to do it yourself!

1. Meet a few new people and in your mind, kneel at their feet and worship them for their cleverness, accomplishments, skinny legs and ability to say no to desserts.

2. While still in your mind, start to feel inferior and lame.

3. Again, while still in your mind, try to think of interesting things about yourself. They need to be stupid things. Like how your 8 year old peed the bed up until a year ago. Or maybe how you wear socks to bed, even in the summer because "you guys, I just have the coldest feet! Like so cold!"

4. Don't wait for a break in the conversation, just jump in with a comment. Like "So my husband had to withdraw from major pain medication!" or "I painted my front door last weekend!" Once you do that, the intellectual conversation everyone was having will stop and they will all give you a courtesy gaze and pretend to care.

5. Keep going. Keep talking about yourself. Make sure it's all mundane or even TMI. Actually, make sure most of it is TMI.

6. At some point, maybe between talking about your high school eastern European teacher or what you ate on your first date with your husband, you will start to sweat. This is your body's way of telling you to shut up. First, you will sweat profusely through your Dove deodorant and then your hair and scalp will get sweaty. At this point the remorse will set in. You will realize you need to peace out immediately.

7. Now you get in your car. At this point, start to replay the evenings events over and over again in your head. You will spend the drive home kicking yourself and hoping that next time you have a social encounter, you will just shut up.

And that my friends is how to talk about yourself too much!

3 comments:

  1. Whatev. I have always thought you are really good at asking people questions about themselves. You have this uncanny ability to get a lot of information out of me....

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  2. haha! my tips are talk about money. telling people how broke you are is never awkward right? talk about how you don't have any money for your kids to take dance cause it's so expensive and then listen as they tell you about all the dance competitions they just took their girls to. and then proceed to talk about the ugly sweater your girls just picked out at a church stuff swap to the person's home it just came from. and then a day later to the same person tell them about some gossip that is being spread around that you think is horrible to spread only to find out that it was again, that poor person you just insulted the day before.
    so the milk jewelry is disgusting and i wish you had been in the ward now when you had babies cause it just would have been an easier transition to have others not breastfeeding. i am one of the few who do out here. and i am glad cause our mothers lounge is smaller than a closet.

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  3. I'm sure everyone thinks you're witty and charming!

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