Dear "Modern Family", let's talk about our new found relationship! I can't get enough! Ethan finds me so annoying that all I want to ever do each night is watch more "Modern Family". I can't decide who my favorite is. Manny? Phil? Jay?
Dear Violet, how was that time out today? Pretty crappy? Maybe you shouldn't yell at me in a parking lots full of moms and kids and call me a butt crack. It's tacky, sweetheart. Your mouth is too pretty to say such things.
Dear Insurance Adjuster In Charge of Ethan's Truck, let's get a move on. It isn't hard to declare the car totaled. Just do it and gimme my money.
Dear 2003 Hyundai Elantra aka Little Red, tomorrow I am going to take you to a car wash and get you all spiffed up to congratulate you on reaching 200,000 miles. You are my boo, Little Red. Let's sail to the stars.
Dear Christmas Shopping, I finished you a few weeks ago. When I told my husband that I had finished all the shopping, he told me that he could tell I had a holiday boner over it. He was right.
Dear Jack, you should quit asking me for those one shoes from Target. I know you love them and all, but trust me, there are much better things in store for you. They start with N and end with -ike.
Dear LDS Culture, please quit abusing the word "modest". Modesty encompasses WAY more than how you are dressed. Let's start teaching about modesty in behavior and speech. Fact is, I was dressed plenty modest when I was a teen and I got into loads of moral trouble. Someone start teaching our teenagers, both boys and girls, some more self-respect.
Dear My Little Primary Class At Church, our days together are numbered seeing as I will get a new class at the beginning of the year. This saddens me so deeply. I will be a weepy mess on our last Sunday. The best kept Mormon secret is being a primary teacher. It is THE BEST.
Dear Van, let's start to address the issue of your hoarding problem. You keep EVERY scrap of paper from preschool and I am losing it. While I appreciate your loving heart and your ability to cherish the small stuff, please try and tone it down.